Everyone in my department got everyone else in the department a Christmas gift. Except for me, because I can’t even buy my own family Christmas presents for the second year in a row.

We discovered last night in the mail just how shitty my health insurance is, by way of a bill that left me shaking for an hour and barely able to sleep (resulting in my 8 day and counting headache extending to day 9 and bordering on a migraine…again).

Michael still can’t find a job (not for lack of desperate trying), and it’s been hinted to me at work that my chronic migraines and illness are “concerning”. Due to lots of other insecurities and instabilities at work wholly unrelated to me or my health, I’ve been looking for another job anyway. I, too, can find nothing.

And to add insult to injury, just a stupid little thing: we usually get out of work early the day before a holiday. But not today. And our normal work hours suck anyway - til 5:45pm.

I’m angry. I’m scared. Terrified is more like it. I’m at the end of my rope, but I still have to keep going. We can’t afford for me not to. And people keep telling me, “God will provide.” And I’m starting to have a really, really hard time believing that.